I remember the first time I saw Galen Weston Jr.’s face on television. “Who the hell is this guy?” I asked my roommate. “I HATE him.” Over the past year, my hatred for him has festered into a strangely erotic burning that consumes my being every time he takes over my TV screen. One might wonder why hate someone unknown to you with such gusto. Let me guide you through my crazy.
Firstly, I hate his face. He’s too much of an “every man”. He could be your dad, your uncle, brother, son. Small framed with a boring haircut and glasses. Glasses? Am I to believe the president of Canada’s largest grocery retailer can’t afford Lasik? Really?!
Second, Galen. Really? Now, should I meet a large, bearded man in a kilt with forearms the size of my thighs, there’s a good chance I wouldn’t make fun of him for having such a terribly emasculating name. But it probably wouldn’t last long. This Galen must have been snickered at behind his back his whole. Being that he’s so rich and all, he probably avoided much of the humiliation that is probably associated with having a name so close to that of a bible belt pageant queen from the 80’s.
Lastly, I hate Galen Weston Jr. for making his existence known to me. If you’re a Canadian like I am (and let’s face it, of course you are, me + international blog success = HAHAHAHAHahahahaha ahaha ha ooh that’s funny), then the Weston empire need not advertise their wares to the masses. Yes, they just recently (in the past 5 years) re-entered the budget grocery market with the Real Canadian Superstore chain. But for years Loblaws was known as the place for the ritzy to shop. Their store brand, President’s Choice, is a national institution, and they’ve even launched a successful direct banking brand under the moniker.
So even with all of this, he feels it a necessary tactic to put himself on television to grow the brand? That’s like Gates or Jobs being in their own commercials. That’s like the Waltons doing their own commercials. I don’t need Galen Fucking Weston telling me add my money to his coffers. Hire some visible minorities and get them to hawk your shit. If I wasn’t already a loyal customer, I’d boycott his ass with more conviction than my current boycott of films containing Megan Fox (good job Michael Bay, at least I’ll get to see Transformers 3).
Galen Weston Jr., I hate you.
